Category Archives: Real Life Problems

Platinum Quest: How Bastion Almost Made Me Suplex My TV

I don’t like losing. Actually, it’s probably my least favourite thing along with being wrong. Good thing I’m never wrong.

I do lose sometimes though, and I really, really don’t like it.

Supergiant Games’ incredible Bastion was released on PS Vita and PS4 last month, and I was eager to jump in. After having some problems getting around to it, I finally began playing and loved everything. The gameplay, art style, music and that brilliant narrator were all perfect.

After beating the game, I had a look at the Trophy list and liked what I saw. “This will be a piece of cake. I’ve just got to play through the game again, really. No big deal.” I thought. And for the most part, I thought right. Most of the game’s Trophies are easily achieved.

Except one.

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For the uninitiated, the Stranger’s Dream is a challenge room that requires you to survive 30 waves of the game’s hardest enemies. It’s the fourth of these challenge rooms, and the most difficult. Shrine Idols are things that you can invoke (turn on) to make the game harder in a number different ways and also help you gain more currency and XP. Examples of the increased difficulty being enemies have regenerating health, drop bombs when they’re defeated, their attacks slow you down, they never drop health pickups, have increased attack damage, move faster etc.

Surviving 30 waves of enemies is a pretty easy task without the Shrine Idols invoked. I cut through it like a hot knife through butter. With five Shrine Idols invoked, it’s not particularly easy but it’s definitely attainable. With 10, though? It feels like an impossible goal.

bastion idols.png

As stated at the beginning, I don’t like losing, and I lost a lot. For days, I got my ass handed to me over and over again, and the results were completely inconsistent. I didn’t feel like I was doing better with each attempt. Sometimes I’d die six waves in, and other times I’d die 23 waves in. Frustration was setting in.

I’m Scottish, so naturally I swear a lot. Bastion made me ashamed of myself.

I’d attempted the Stranger’s Dream a ridiculous number of times over the course of three days, and I was starting to lose faith. In these situations, I turn desperate. I watched a number of walkthrough videos and read a number of strategies online, and I learned some new tips that I thought could help me achieve the seemingly unachievable. Armed with this new knowledge, I was ready to give it another go.

I still failed. Time and time again I got squashed by these fucking arseholes. On that Wednesday evening, I was done. Fuck this game. I’m going to go play Nintendogs or something, fuck this shit.

I wouldn’t stop though. After a good night’s sleep, I woke up and went back into the whipping room. This time, I had a plan though. I was going to stream it on Twitch. There’s only one thing I hate more than losing, and that’s losing in front of other people. The logic was sound: I would play better if I knew people would be able to watch.

The pressure was on. I had three viewers on Twitch. Three people I probably didn’t know. Did I want them to think I was a fucking loser? Hell no. Let’s do this.

I got 23 waves in until disaster struck:

I died. Again. The stream sat idle on the ‘Defeated’ screen for about a minute. I was not idle though. I was squatting in front of my TV, ready to pick it up and suplex it through my fucking coffee table. This cannot be happening. The theory was sound!

I calmed down, and tried again. I made it to the final wave. This was it! I was doing it!

Just kidding! I wasn’t doing anything except losing, again. Hahahahahahahahaha! 

I rage quit the game and the stream and just sat on my couch, sweating and seething. I was not playing this anymore. The PlayStation Gods can keep their fucking Trophy, I am finished.

I had things to do that day, I couldn’t sit and play this game forever. I have to leave my house in 30 minutes to go and….wait. 30 minutes? That’s about how long it takes to do a run through these waves.

Okay, one more time:

And it’s all over! Somehow, someway, I did it. Fuck you, Bastion. Fuck you, Supergiant Games. I am a God! A God that probably couldn’t do this again if he tried!

That one challenge room is significantly harder than anything else in the game, and I won’t be attempting it again anytime soon. For the most part, I really loved my time with Bastion. It’s a great game with a great story, but I can’t remember the last time a game made me literally want to suplex my fucking TV.


January Blues: Gaming Backlogs and Persona 4 Golden

So, Christmas was less than a month ago. The busy season is over, and it looks like the big game releases have subsided for the time being. We are officially in the dead zone. The next upcoming big release is LEGO Marvel’s Avengers on January 26th, so now is a better time than any to try and fire through that ridiculous backlog you’ve built up over the last year, you hoarding mess. Where do you start, though?

I recently registered to The Backloggery which is a useful little tool to let you keep track of what you’re playing, what you’ve beaten and what you still have to play. It seems kind of pointless, but having it outlined right there in front of me has helped me make progress I don’t think I’d have made otherwise. Also, I like lists.

I’ve set up a rule for myself, though: I can’t buy any more games until I beat (or better yet, 100%) at least half of my immediate backlog. It currently consists of 11 games. Most of them are smaller titles that I could beat in a couple of play sessions and earn the sweet, sweet Platinum trophy in a couple more, like Bastion and Broken Age, so logic dictates that I should chip away at them one at a time until I’m done. Dead easy. Cakewalk. Piece of piss.

There is, however, another game that I’ve been playing on and off since September that I foolishly decided to chip away at a little more recently:

Persona 4 Golden.

I’m currently 30 hours into the game and I haven’t even met the whole cast yet. estimates that the average playtime is around 70 fucking hours. I should stop, and come back later. This whole backlog quest was a terrible waste of thought and effort if I devote all of my time to Persona. I’ll just turn it off, and play another game.

But I can’t. It has it’s hooks in me, badly. The game oozes style and charm, and it’s stopping me from turning it off and playing something else. It’s just that great.

What the fuck have I done?

If I can’t buy another video game until I beat half of my backlog, I’d be best to just shut this blog down. I need to get the fuck away from Persona or it is over.

RIP me.



Platinum Quest: How Fallout 4 Stopped Me Earning It’s Platinum Trophy

This post contains mild location spoilers for Fallout 4. 

So, I own a PS4 and a PS Vita. They’re how I play my games. I used to play on Xbox 360, but I was never into Achievements. I’d usually play a game to the end of the main story then be done with it.

Something changed.

Once I went all in with PlayStation, something about Trophies grabbed me and I can’t explain it. Maybe because they’re shiny? Maybe because it’s not just a “score.” I don’t know. But they got me good. I now find myself playing games for Trophies first and foremost, and I kind of enjoy it.

If a game comes out and I really like it, chances are I’m going to try and Platinum it. This year I’ve achieved the Platinum Trophy in Batman: Arkham Knight and Metal Gear Solid V: The Phantom Pain (which is no joke, let me tell you) among other smaller titles. It gives me a great feeling of accomplishment to know I’ve beaten a game the most it can possibly be beaten, so it’s no surprise I’m currently trying to Platinum Fallout 4.

Looking at Fallout 4‘s Trophy list, it doesn’t look too difficult. Most of them seem like they would be achieved naturally over time. There’s a couple of story based trophies that require some strategic saving, but other than that there’s not much here that would require you to use a guide or anything.

Two of Fallout 4‘s Trophies revolve around the collection of Bobbleheads. One of them is achieved at 10 Bobbleheads collected and the other at 20. Very achievable.

I’m writing this today to tell you about how Fallout 4 fucked me out of those Trophies.

I occasionally work night shifts, and one of the perks of that is getting to stay up all night the night before my shift and play video games for like 12 hours without feeling like a fucking loser. I usually save my bigger Trophy hunting campaigns for these occasions, and collecting the remaining eight Bobbleheads I needed for part two of the Trophy seemed achievable in one of these sessions.

I could not have been more wrong.

It started off unremarkable enough. For quickness, I opened up an online guide and started chipping away. “Go to this location, it’s in this room.” Easy enough. This will be a piece of cake.

I collected three Bobbleheads (bringing my count to 15) before disaster struck.

There’s a location on the map called “Malden Middle School.” Underneath the school, past the basement, is the entrance to Vault 75. Using a Bobblehead location guide I made my way there, blissfully unaware of the fucking headache that awaited me.

Upon entering Vault 75 I was greeted by two Synth enemies who started raining lasers on me. I quickly dispatched them and made my way to the elevator. The elevator TO HELL.

The guide stated that once you entered Vault 75 you would be greeted by Gunners, Fallout‘s mercenary outfit, and the faction you didn’t side with in the main story. They would be fighting among themselves and with you. I was tasked with killing everybody, and making my way to the back of Vault 75 where I should have encountered a Gunner Commander, who had a keycard that would give me access to the rest of the Vault, where the Bobblehead was located.

There was no Gunner Commander. After scouring the scene for about 30 minutes, looting every dead thing there was to loot and even reloading a save before I had entered the Vault, I took to the internet. After a quick Google search, I found out that this was a bug that people were encountering, seemingly at random.

A bug. In a Bethesda game. That locked you out of 100% completion. Surely not?

Most of the solutions I found online involved console commands, but as mentioned earlier, I was playing on PS4 where no such luxury is afforded. I was tasked with finding an alternative solution.

After discussing it with a friend, he told me to wait 30 in-game days for the enemies inside Vault 75 to respawn so I could try again. My character slept for 30 days. 30 fucking days of rest. 30 minutes of my actual life spent watching a fictional character sleep. I set off for Vault 75 again, and repeated my initial murdering spree. Still nothing.

I was left with no choice. As I was playing through the game I made alternate saves so I could earn the Trophies in all of the game’s branching story paths. I sucked it up and loaded a save from around eight hours ago. I set off on my own personal Groundhog Day yet again, and yet again there was no Gunner Commander in sight.

“Luckily” for me I had made about four of these alternate saves in my quest to see all possible story options, so I loaded up an older one.

The result was the same.

I was down to my last alternate save. The save I made 20 hours ago. The save I made before I acquired my beloved Super Sledge. The save I made when me and my Power Armour were mere acquaintances and not life partners.  The save I made at level 21. The save I made when I had two out of twenty Bobbleheads.

The Gunner Commander appeared.

Initially elated that I finally had access to the rest of Vault 75, and in turn the Bobblehead that had evaded capture for what felt like days, the celebration soon ended when I realised the severity of the situation.

I now had three Bobbleheads. I went from 15 to three. I would have to collect the ones I had already collected again, and then the other five I had yet to find. Not to mention I was far weaker than I was in my main save. I had dropped 26 levels and all my weapons were terrible.

I don’t know how, but I did it. I managed it. I collected 20 Bobbleheads and the Trophy popped, but I was done. I’d had enough.

I currently have five Trophies left. Four of them are very achievable, they just take time. The fifth is the dreaded “Benevolent Leader” Trophy, which is achieved when you reach 100 happiness in a large settlement, seemingly without rhyme or reason.

I can’t face doing it. I’m seriously tired of the fear that this game will fall apart like a shoddily constructed car while it’s driving 100mph down the motorway, killing me, my progress, and everyone I love.

I need to take a break.

I might go back, eventually, but right now I need to play something else. Something lighter. Something quick to digest.

I still love you, Fallout 4, but I think we should see other people for a while. It’ll be a long time before I’m able to trust again.